JUST ONE THING
Why Sometimes Words Hurt When Communicating
Episode 77
With Rick White, 180BIZ
When it comes to communicating, sometimes we get hurt or someone else gets hurt. I want to talk about that today. How many times have you been hurt by what someone has said? Let’s talk about what usually causes that.
Number one. You use their words but apply your definition to them. Let me explain. When a client said to me, “That’s too expensive.” Do you know what I used to hear? I heard, “You're ripping me off.” That was the meaning I gave it. So, you can guess what happened after I gave it that meaning. I got defensive and I got offensive. And I ended up losing, not only that job, but I lost that client too. It was due to my internal baggage.
The good news is that there’s a fix for that. It’s to simply stay curious when someone says something. Don't assume you know what it means. Step back and say, “Wow, can you give me an example of that?” Or “Could you tell me more?” This is so that you can understand what they're talking about, not what you think you're hearing. So that's the first way not to get hurt. The simplest way to not hurt others by your communication is to ask questions after you make your statements. Such as, “What do you think I mean by this?
Most of us don't communicate very well. If we look at communication from a war perspective and total communication is a bomb, we tend to communicate in short, small bursts. And that’s just not effective. We must slow down to communicate effectively. And let me be clear. When I say communicate effectively, that does not mean you talk, and they listen. It means there's a proper dialogue where you both walk away understanding each other just a little bit better.
Number two. Always assume positive intent. Instead of expecting someone is saying something to deliberately hurt you. Look to understand, instead of looking for things that might upset people or upset you. What if you walked into a conversation thinking to yourself, “He’s a good guy. It’ll be okay. I know he means, well.” That way if you’re feeling bad about something, it’s on you, not him. Dig in and understand. If you assume positive intent and then stay curious and ask questions, instead of getting hurt or getting defensive or offensive as I was, you can actually get deeper and connect better. And isn't that what life is all about?
Life is about connecting. Life is about relationships. It's all about communication. The quality of your life is going to be based on the quality of your communication and your relationships. If you want to get stuff done you must be able to communicate effectively. If you want people to follow you must be able to communicate effectively. It all centers around our ability to get back and forth.
When you're communicating, texting isn’t adequate. Do you realize that the written word is only 7% effective as a way of expressing what you're trying to communicate? There are three communication channels.
1. Verbal: 7% is, is what you say are the words you use.
2. Visual: It’s all about body language. You can see my energy here that impacts the way I'm looking at you. You can feel my conviction and the powerful impact. 55% of what you communicate is through body language. Visual is the most powerful communication style. Most of us are not aware of that impact because we monitor it subconsciously.
3. Vocal. The next powerful communication level. This is where you can hear what I'm saying. If you're listening to the podcast, you can hear my dedication to the subject. And you can understand me. You can feel me. That's 8% of your communication.
It’s important to understand this. This is not something where you learn it and you're done. This is where you understand it's a journey. And, at times, you're going say things to me that trigger emotions in me that I don't even mean to have happen.
Number three. One of the other things that you can do to not get hurt is to learn your triggers. There are certain things trigger me. If you can be aware of your triggers, you can minimize them and make them less powerful.
To recap the three things that will help you to communicate more effectively and avoid hurting someone or getting hurt. They are:
1. Don't use their words and your definitions.
2. Assume positive intent.
3. Know what your triggers are and learn to mitigate them.
God bless. Have fun and go make some money.
